For so many parents, the hardest part of separation or divorce is watching their child get upset when they’re leaving for the other parent’s house. You might wonder if this is normal, if your child secretly doesn’t want to go, or if you’re doing something wrong. You might begin questioning whether the parenting schedule is the right fit, or worry that your child doesn’t want to spend time with you or the other parent.
Transition difficulties are incredibly common after separation or divorce, so problems don’t mean that you’re failing or that something is wrong. While every child responds differently, it is normal for kids to need time to adjust to moving between two homes, even when both homes are loving, safe, and supportive. There are signs you can watch for in order to understand how your child is processing the changes and tips to help get through the early stages of the separation process.
As a play therapist, I have the privilege of watching kids work through these big changes every day. Their play gives me a window into what they’re feeling, even if they can’t put those feelings into words. When we understand that kids communicate through behavior and play, we can learn to respond with confidence.
Why Transitions Between Homes Can Feel Difficult
Kids dealing with separation are learning to hold two feelings at the same time. A child can miss Mom while they’re at Dad’s house and still love being with Dad. They can have fun all weekend and still be excited to come back to Mom’s house. But kids don’t always understand that two things can be true, so they may worry about what their feelings “mean.”
They might wonder:
- If I miss Mom while I’m at Dad’s house, do I love Mom more?
- I have fun at Dad’s house. Does that mean I don’t love Mom enough?
- If I tell Dad I miss Mom, will I hurt his feelings?
Kids may not know how to express these emotions other than crying or acting up when it’s time to go to the other parent’s house.
Sometimes transitions bring up grief for a child. They may feel grief at leaving one parent for the week or feel grief for what life was like before the divorce. While school or activities may distract them from this day-to-day, the moment of transitions between houses can bring grief to the surface.
Transitions can also be difficult because kids thrive on predictability. Before they settle into a new routine of moving between houses, their nervous system might be in overdrive. This contributes to a child’s dysregulation at transition time, because they are feeling more anxious, stressed, or upset in general.
How Children Communicate These Feelings Through Behavior
Kids, especially young kids, primarily communicate these difficult emotions through behavior. Some become clingy and want to sleep in your bed, follow you from room to room, or beg to stay home from school. Others get angry, argue more often, or suddenly get upset about things that seem small, like getting the “wrong” color cup at dinner. Usually these behaviors translate to: “I am having a hard time. My world feels different. I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings.”
How Parents May Accidentally Reinforce Anxiety
When your child is hurting, your instinct is to make it better. Sometimes, though, our attempts to comfort accidentally make transitions feel even bigger or scarier even when they come from a place of love. Some phrases might communicate your own sadness in a way that places emotional responsibility on your child.
You might feel the urge to say:
- “I’m going to miss you so much this weekend.”
- “What am I going to do without you?”
- “I’ll be thinking about you every minute.”
As adults, we understand these are expressions of love, but a young child might hear:
- “Mom is going to be sad while I’m gone.”
- “Dad needs me.”
- “I should worry about them while I’m away.”
Everyone, including kids, wants to protect the people they love. If kids begin feeling responsible for a parent’s emotions, transitions between homes can become even harder.
After divorce, parents might feel guilty and become the “fun parent.” When you only have your child for part of the week, you may feel pressure to make every visit special and end up loosening bedtimes, skipping chores, or filling the weekend with activities. But kids don’t need every weekend packed with entertainment. They need to know that both homes are safe, predictable places where they are loved and know what to expect.
Finally, try to avoid speaking negatively about the other parent or putting your child in the middle of adult disagreements. Even subtle comments like, “I know Dad’s house isn’t as much fun,” or, “Your Mom should let you stay up later,” can create loyalty conflicts for kids who already feel pulled between two people they love.
What Play Therapy Reveals About Parent Separation and Kid’s Emotions
As a play therapist, I get a front-row seat to these emotions because kids often express them through play long before they can explain them with words. In the play room, I look for repeated play themes that help me understand what a child is working through emotionally.
While every child is different, there are certain themes I see again and again in kids adjusting to separation. Two of the most common are “control” and “separation/reunion”.
Kids have very little control over a divorce. They didn’t choose for their parents to live apart, and they rarely have much say in where they’ll sleep, what the custody schedule looks like, or how their routines change. Even when everyone is doing their best, kids can be left feeling powerless.
Loss of control in life can show up as the child playing a powerful role in the playroom. The child might make me play a student or servant while they become the teacher or king, tell me exactly what to do and say, or change the rules of a game so that they win. From the outside it looks bossy or controlling, but this play theme tells me that the child is creating a place where they get to feel in charge.
The themes of separation and reunion can show up in many different ways. Sometimes this is very direct, where a child may play out parents divorcing or dolls moving to a new house. Other times, separation and reunion are subtle and may look like doll parents leaving for work, toys getting lost and needing to be rescued, or stuffed animals running away.
To measure progress, I’m on the lookout for when a recurring play theme becomes flexible or has a new positive resolution. Maybe they let me be the teacher or let me win the game. Perhaps the lost character finds their own way back home, or the baby doll doesn’t get left behind anymore. Or maybe they completely let go of that play pattern and start doing something else entirely during the session! This signals that the child has worked through their emotions and successfully processed something difficult.
Throughout play therapy, the child has an adult alongside them who understands what their play may be communicating and provides a safe, accepting space to work through their emotions.
Practical Ways to Support Smoother Transitions
One of the most important things you can provide to your child during this time is predictability and routine. Keep schedules consistent during the first several months after separation. If your child has always attended soccer practice on Tuesdays or dance on Wednesdays, try to maintain those activities regardless of whose parenting time it is. Familiar routines give kids an important sense of stability even if everything else feels different.
Transitions are also easier when kids feel like they belong in both homes. If possible, give them a space in each house that is theirs, even if it’s just a corner of the living room with their favorite beanbag, stuffed animal, books, or art supplies that will always be there when they return.
A lot of families also find it helpful to use a transition object, which is a comfort item like a stuffed animal or blanket, that travels back and forth between homes. This provides a tangible reminder that they stay connected to both parents no matter where they are sleeping.
Keeping expectations similar across homes also reduces stress. Kids generally do well when things like bedtimes, screen time expectations, and household rules are consistent between houses. At the same time, try not to unintentionally double your child’s responsibilities. If their chore used to be vacuuming once a week, they probably don’t need to do it twice simply because there are now two households. Daily responsibilities like making their bed or helping clear the table can remain the same without making them feel like they suddenly have twice the workload.
Finally, pay attention to the messages your words communicate. When you sense your child is feeling anxious, resist the urge to reassure them repeatedly, or to swoop in and save them from discomfort. An important skill I teach parents is how to use supportive statements, which comes from the SPACE approach (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions), developed by Dr. Eli Lebowitz. A supportive statement combines two important messages: I understand this is hard, and I know you can handle it.
That might sound like:
- “I know saying goodbye is hard, and I know you can spend the weekend with Mom.”
- “I understand you’re worried, and I’m confident you can handle this.”
- “I hear that you want to stay with me. I’ll see you on Sunday after dinner and I know you got this!”
Your kids don’t need you to pretend that nothing has changed or to convince them to stop worrying. What really helps is to let them know that we understand their feelings and believe they are capable of handling difficult moments. Hearing that message from you over and over creates confidence in themselves. They start to learn, “Hey, I CAN handle this!”
So, if your child is struggling with transitions after separation, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. More often, it means they’re adapting to a very big change. With time, consistency, and supportive adults, most children settle into new routines remarkably well.
Madeline Thompson Smith is a Licensed Professional Counselor and owner of Brave Lives Counseling in Snellville, Georgia. She specializes in child and teen anxiety, OCD, and related disorders, and provides play therapy to support kids during life changes. She can be contacted at BraveLivesCounseling.com.